A gentle Restorative sequence To slow down and check in

One of the things that my yoga practice offers me that I am the most grateful for is the opportunity to check in, to slow down, and see where I am at mentally and physically. When my anxiety levels are elevated, I find a restorative practice incredibly challenging, so I typically start by practicing a more vigorous (but simple) practice first (like a few rounds of sun salutation A & B), and then settling into the restorative poses. Also, because I tend to spend a little while readjusting and fidgeting, I usually allot for extra time in each pose. A restorative pose can be held for anywhere from 5 minutes, to twenty minutes (or longer!), depending on how the pose feels in your body, and how much time you have to practice.
This gentle restorative sequence moves the spine through a variety of movements. Forward folding (spinal flexion), twists (rotation), side bend (lateral flexion), and a backbend (spinal extension). It is hard in a blog post to explain all the ways that we might modify the poses shown, but there are modifications shown or explained for some very common complaints that I hear in class with these poses. This sequence was shot in our studio, where we have a plethora of props. If you are practicing in your home, a rolled up firm blanket can be a good substitute for a bolster, and books could be a good substitute for blocks! If you have any questions or thoughts, please let us know in the comments!

Supported Child’s Pose

public.jpeg

Supported child’s pose is a wonderful way to slow down and settle into practice. In the variation above, the torso is supported by a bolster on top of two blocks. The front of the ankle is also supported by a rolled blanket. We start with the bolster in between our knees, about half way up our thigh, and then lower our torso down onto it. One cheek can rest on the bolster for half of the time we are spending in the pose, followed by the other cheek. Be mindful that you are not supporting your body on your arms here. If you feel like you are, try lifting your elbows, and moving them farther away from your body. Especially when my anxiety levels are high, I am better able to start to relax and calm down when I weight my body. Here, I have a 10 lb sandbag on my back, as well as a folded woven blanket. Although this pose feels wonderful for many of my students, it is far too much knee and hip flexion for others. Below is a modified version of supported child’s pose where the knees and hips are not so bent, but we still have the pressure on the front of our torso. In this variation the head does not rest on the bolster like it does in the first photo, it instead on a block a few inches ahead of the bolster, to allow room for the face.

public.jpeg

Belly Down Twist

public.jpeg

In this pose, there is a little ramp built from a bolster, propped up by two blocks, one at the tallest height, and one at the medium height. I also really like to add a little extra cushion under my hips by sitting on a folded blanket. To get into this pose, we sit with one hip beside the bolster, and then slowly twist so our belly is facing it, and our shoulders start to square towards the floor. Next, we lower our torso onto the bolster. Our head can face the same way as our knees for a more gentle spinal twist, or the other way for a more intense twist. Choose the head position that feels the most comfortable. I feel like I have a much easier time relaxing the muscles in my legs when I have a weight on my ankles.

Rainbow Pose

There are three variations shown above, each one has a different degree of intensity. The first picture is the most gentle. There is an extra blanket under the hips for cushion. The hip is resting firmly on the ground, and the torso lies across the bolster, with the bolster somewhere around the bottom of the ribs. For a more gentle side bend (like in the first picture), place a folded blanket under the bottom shoulder, and a block or another prop under the head. Lastly, find a comfortable position for the top arm. I placed mine overhead in this picture, it could also be resting on the side of the body, or on top of the bottom arm. In the second picture, the side bend is made bigger by adding a blanket on top of the bolster. In this version, the head is still supported by a block, and the top arm is resting on the bottom. In the third picture, the side bend is made even bigger by removing the support under the head. Again here, you can place the top arm in any position that feels comfortable.

Supported Fish

public.jpeg

The top picture is a more gentle backbend/heart opener. The ramp built with the bolster and two blocks offers a small extension of the lower spine, as well as a stretch in the front of the chest. Once the ramp has been made, we move the tailbone right back to the end of the bolster, and slowly lower the back onto the bolster. The closer our arms are to our body, the less intense the chest stretch will be. The more we move our arms out into a “T” shape, the stronger the stretch. Under the forearm, there is a block, for support, as my elbow did not reach the floor in this pose. In the bottom picture. The bolster is run sideways, instead of longways. We keep the hips firmly on the floor, and lower the body down across the bolster. If this is too intense, we can place a folded blanket under the shoulder blades, or replace the bolster with a smaller rolled up blanket.

public.jpeg

Mountain Brooks Pose

public.jpeg

In this pose, we are supporting all of the curves of the backside of our body. The curve of the neck, low back, underside of the knees, and the curve just above our heels. The intention is to only support these curves, not exacerbate them, so when you are setting up into this pose, make sure that you don’t feel too much pressure from the props underneath you. For some of my students, the support under the low back, no matter how subtle, feels uncomfortable. If this is the case for you, you can just omit it.

Supported Savasana

public.jpeg

In this final pose, our rest pose, I supported both my neck, and under my knees, while adding an eye pillow, a blanket, and a sandbag to weight the front of my body. You can play around with how you use props in supported savasana, some people love having blocks on top of their palms, or the blanket folded and only covering their torso, or no blanket at all! Also, the sandbag I prefer to have on my hips, but sometimes it feels wonderful on my thighs or ankles, or even one on each shoulder. Feel free to play around and explore with what feels comfortable to you in this pose!

Yoga and Meditation as a Mental Health tool

I have known for a long time that my yoga practice is an irreplaceable tool in helping me keep my mental health in balance. Many times I have been asked how it helps me, and my answer is usually that I am more aware of what is going on with me. Which isn’t always a wonderful explanation. Below is a wonderful description from my high school friend, Jenni, which explains the benefits of yoga and meditation in such a tangible way. Not only is Jenni a yogini, but is also a social worker with her own counselling business, Inner Calm Counselling.

IMG_0870.jpeg

Yoga teaches us deep awareness of our bodies.  With this awareness we notice our early signs of stress and can then take time to readjust/realign/centre ourselves and continue on grounded and balanced.  With a lot of awareness of our bodies and early notice of the signs of stress, it is likely that we can avoid further upset in our lives... noticing the tightness in our chest and readjusting before saying sharp words to our dearest people (or slamming the kitchen cupboard).

Yoga teaches us breathing practices - an amazing variety of breathing practices - that quickly help us remind the fight/flight/freeze part of our brains that we are in fact safe (which we, fortunately, almost always are).  When we use a breathing practice regularly, not just when we begin reeling in worry or anger, we approach everything with a greater sense of calm and awareness.  Focus on our breath automatically brings us to experience the moment we are in.

Meditation teaches us deep awareness of our minds.  With this awareness we notice when we’re caught up in a loop (going over the tough conversation with a colleague) or planning how the evening will play out while planting in your garden.  When we notice such things we can gently bring ourselves back to being in the moment that we are actually in - to actually be present in it.

Yoga and meditation are certainly powerful tools for when we experience mental health challenges like depression and anxiety.  They’re healthy ways to cope when in an extremely hard situation. 

As a daily wellness tool, yoga and meditation are incredible maintenance and prevention plans.  When all is well and we practice, our connection to our breath deepens; our mindfulness of each moment becomes more natural; our awareness of our thoughts and attachments gets clearer. So when life’s next challenge comes, we are stronger, more grounded, more compassionate toward ourselves. 

We’re on this journey together. 

Onward,

Jenni Jenkins, MSW, RSW
Inner Calm Counselling
www.MyInnerCalm.ca 

Beat the heat - Cool your fire with Ayurveda tips

Summer is in full swing around these parts, and it has been HOT!!  Ayurveda, the sister science to yoga, has tips for balancing the fire element, pitta, that is within us.  When our pitta is aggravated, we may notice that we are easy to anger, less patient, have skin rashes, heartburn, and even headaches.  There are many things to incorporate into our daily lives that can help to keep us cool, if you wanted in depth, personal to you information on balancing your dosha, I would highly reccomend seeking advice from Manjiri Nadkarni, our local Ayurvedic Physician, Registered Holistic Nutritionist, and BASE Allergy Specialist.  I have had a few consults for myself with her, and her insight and suggestions were incredible, and even better, easy to incorporate.

Below is just a very short list of some of the things that I have been doing to keep my pitta balanced lately.

1) Adjust your practice/exercise regime - During these hot days, I have cultivated a slower, more gentle practice, and I also choose to practice earlier in the day, before the temperatures really climb.  Even though I still like to incorporate challenging poses, I warm up a bit slower, allow for more rest poses as I practice, and take a longer savasana.

2) Eat seasonally.  There are foods that aggravate our doshas, and foods that balance.  Spicy, fried, or acidic foods can aggravate pitta.  To cool the fire, we can incorporate foods like leafy greens, cucumbers, celery, sweet potatoes, zucchini, cherries, sweet melon, ripe pineapple, and coconut.

3) Self massage with cooling oils.  Abhyanga, self massage, is best practiced with coconut or olive oils in the summer months here.  Oils like sesame and almond oil tend to be more warming.

th.jpeg

4) Cooling scents.  In the studio we have been using a simple oil blend of mint and lime.  We use it in our diffusers, apply it after practice (diluted in coconut oil), and in our homemade mat cleaner. 

What are some of the ways that you like to beat the heat?  Feel free to share with us below!

Restorative Yoga Practice for Menstruation

     If you are anything like me, the beginning of my period is a time to slow down.  For so many years, I tried to push through it, keeping up with my regular schedule, my regular asana practice, just basically ignoring what was going on in my body.  The older I get, and after having the kids, it has become increasingly more difficult to just ignore and plug along, as my symptoms have become more intense.  Now, it literally forces me to slow down.  When I had to change my habits to accommodate my cycle, I did what I always do, I dove into books, and articles, so I could basically validate (sad, I know) listening to what I knew I needed to do for my body.  Although I knew that certain asana were contraindicated during menstruation, I didn't really understand why.  I knew that vigorous practice, and inversions were not supposed to be practiced.  The philosophical reason that I had learned, is that menses is a downward flow of energy, and we dont want to switch that.  Flipping upside down is a way to increase our upward flow of energy.  While I believe in/resonate with what is happening in our energetic bodies, I also like to learn the physical reasons.  If you would like to read a little bit more about these concepts, here are two great articles - The Mindful Menstrual Cycle (written by our beautiful friend Jackie!!), and Menstruation and Yoga.  I would also suggest the beautiful book Red Moon, by Miranda Gray (linked at the end of this post).

     Below is the actual yoga practice that I did during my last period.  This was not shot while I was actually practicing, because my practice is sacred to me.  (Side note - your practice is also sacred to me, which is why I NEVER EVER take pictures of students practicing in the studio durning a scheduled class.  Your practice is not used a marketing tool.  We do however have a new super exciting campaign coming up soon!!)

     Without further adieu, below is a simple restorative sequence, designed to help alleviate some of the discomfort that many of us experience.  Feel free to set the tone for your practice by using incense or essential oils, selecting calming music ( I have a playlist for the sacral chakra on Spotify, as well as a few other playlists that are slow and relaxing!!)  I sometimes prefer to use my phone to set a timer for each pose, and sometimes I prefer to just listen to my body, and move when I am ready.

 

Our first pose is supported child's pose.  In the picture, I am using studio props, quite a lot of the actually, but all of these can be swapped out for items that you have at home.  Under my torso, I have a long, round bolster.  This…

Our first pose is supported child's pose.  In the picture, I am using studio props, quite a lot of the actually, but all of these can be swapped out for items that you have at home.  Under my torso, I have a long, round bolster.  This can me swapped out for a couple of firm pillows, like throw pillows, or a rolled up blanket.  Under my ankles, I have a small rectangular bolster, which could be replaced by a rolled up towel.  Lastly, I have a sandbag on my back, which helps to further stimulate my parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces stress and inflammation.  You could use a bag of rice here, a folded heavy blanket, or allow your creativity to explore other items that will help to weigh you down!!  You can also use a rolled up blanket or a pillow in between your hips and your ankles to help alleviate any tension on the front of your knees that you might be feeling.  Once you are set into this pose, you can set a timer for anywhere between 5-15 minutes, or just chill here until you feel like moving into the next pose.

Our second pose is a supported seated forward fold.  Here again, I have used a few props to make this extra comforting.  The bolster under my knees helps to make the stretch on my hamstrings a little more gentle, and allows the stretch to …

Our second pose is a supported seated forward fold.  Here again, I have used a few props to make this extra comforting.  The bolster under my knees helps to make the stretch on my hamstrings a little more gentle, and allows the stretch to move more into my low back.  The blanket underneath of my legs offers just a little extra cushion and comfort.  The sandbag here again helps with the stimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system.  The bolster could be replaced with a rolled blanket or towel, and the sandbag, a soft object that has some weight to it!  Just like our first pose, feel free to linger here for 5-15 minutes, or as long as your body tells you to.

Our third pose is wind relieving pose.  This pose can help to reduce bloating, and is a nice gentle stretch for the low back muscles.  When doing this pose, the leg that is not being hugged in can either be bent, or straight, depending on …

Our third pose is wind relieving pose.  This pose can help to reduce bloating, and is a nice gentle stretch for the low back muscles.  When doing this pose, the leg that is not being hugged in can either be bent, or straight, depending on what feels comfortable for you.  Here I have a small rectangular bolster to support my head and neck, this could be replicated by using a small pillow, or a rolled up blanket or towel.  Here, you are welcome to hold this pose for a rounds of breath, or about 30 seconds per side.  Switch sides when ready.

Moving into our fourth pose, we are coming into a gentle twist.  Twists can help to alleviate cramping.  In this twist, we are letting both knees go to one side.  When entering a twist, I really like to pick up my hips, and shift the …

Moving into our fourth pose, we are coming into a gentle twist.  Twists can help to alleviate cramping.  In this twist, we are letting both knees go to one side.  When entering a twist, I really like to pick up my hips, and shift the just a little in the opposite direction that I am going to move my knees.  A bolster (blanket, rolled towel, yoga block, stack of books) may be used to support the knees for the most gentle stretch, or the knees may come down to the ground (or anywhere in between by using smaller props).  Feel free to hold this pose for 5-10 minutes per side, or as long as you like.  

This twist is a slightly deeper twist, putting a little more pressure on the abdomen, and a little more stretch into the low back.  I have a bolster under my knee here, but it could be done without.  The sandbag beside me can also be added…

This twist is a slightly deeper twist, putting a little more pressure on the abdomen, and a little more stretch into the low back.  I have a bolster under my knee here, but it could be done without.  The sandbag beside me can also be added to my top knee, thigh, outer hip, to add a little extra weight for grounding and calming.  I chose to support my head and neck here, and add a little cushion under me by folding up an additional blanket and placing on my mat.  Holding here for 5-10 minutes per side, depending on comfort and time constraints.  

This is quite possibly one favourite ever restorative poses.  The additional weight on my low abdomen and legs here help to make it even more soothing.  I have once again here supported my head and neck, although it may feel nice to be fla…

This is quite possibly one favourite ever restorative poses.  The additional weight on my low abdomen and legs here help to make it even more soothing.  I have once again here supported my head and neck, although it may feel nice to be flat on the floor.  I love the additional blanket under me, as my hips tend to be extra sensitive during my period, and sitting like this, with pressure on the back of my hips can be very uncomfortable after a few minutes.  Feel free to stay here as long as your body wants to, ideally 5-15 minutes.

Legs up the wall is the only inversion that is indicated for menstruation.  I chose this posture as my savasana (rest pose) but you could absolutely come into a more traditional rest pose following this if you would prefer (lying down on back o…

Legs up the wall is the only inversion that is indicated for menstruation.  I chose this posture as my savasana (rest pose) but you could absolutely come into a more traditional rest pose following this if you would prefer (lying down on back or side with the support of props if desired).  Here I added weights again to help me to further relax.  A sandbag on my feet and hips.  I have also added a folded blanket under my torso, and a support under my head.  You can stay like this for 5-15 minutes, or as long as you desire!!

Hopefully you are able to carve some time out for yourself, and get to enjoy this practice.  Remember, when you are doing this practice, pamper yourself, and be particular!  Make sure that you are feeling completely supported in, and comfortable in the poses.  Pretend that you are in the story The Princess and the Pea.  Anything that feels off when you are setting up is likely to be amplified while you maintain the pose.  

Red Moon
By Miranda Gray
Buy on Amazon

Loving Kindness Meditation

     Sometimes, I fall into a trap of what I feel like my meditation practice should be like. Conjuring up images of a sage, sitting on a mountain in lotus pose, emptying their mind for hours at a time, connecting with the universal energy. This couldn't be further removed from what my meditation practice is like, but it is what I tend to envision. I actually find it nearly impossible to just sit and empty my mind. For me to quiet my inner dialogue,  I need to be immersed in something physically demanding, where I am so focused on my movements, my balance, my muscle engagement, that there is no room for outside thoughts. I think that is what hooked me on yoga when I came to it. But, I also crave calm, quiet stillness. So for balance, with my meditation practice, I gravitate towards more active meditation. Mantra meditation, mala meditation, and guided meditation.

     In a house full of kids, chaos, and well, life happening, I have to choose my moments for meditation. There is no way that all 4 kids are going to sit quietly so that I can have a peaceful space to meditate. I just can't, at this point, block out what is happening around me. So I accommodate for this. Sometimes I get up before everyone else so that I can start my day by centring. Sometimes I wait until the kids are off at school. If I meditate at night, it is aways a guided meditation (one that I listen to) because by this point, my mind is too busy. I always first practice pranayama, or breathing exercises, to help balance my energy to get ready for guided meditation. One of my favourite meditations of all time is the buddhist loving kindness meditation, also known as the metta meditation. This meditation allows me to direct my thoughts, and visualize, which focuses my mind in one place. Even though it is not a completely quiet mind, it is quieter.

IMG_7477.JPG

     After the kids left for school the other morning, I went for a bike ride, to get rid of some of my busy energy, and then sat down by the river to practice the metta meditation. I parked my bike, and took a seat on a bench. There are so many variations on how we can practice this, and I change how I practice based on what I am in need of at the time of the meditation ( I will follow up with another variation of this practice very soon). Lately, I have been feeling a little greedy, taking all this time to work on myself. I feel like I am letting down the people around me. I have incredibly patient workspaces that are accommodating me being off, but I feel bad for taking so long. I have a wonderfully supportive family, but I am fully conscious of the fact that I have stopped financially contributing to the household. I have pulled back from a lot of social engagements, because it is overwhelming and awkward for me right now. And, it is increasingly important for me to accept that for me to get back to feeling like myself again, all of this is necessary, and not selfish. In this meditation, I needed to practice self compassion, to let go of all of the guilt that I have tied to this break that I am taking. I needed to acknowledge all of the 'hats that I wear'.

     Closing my eyes, I took three full, long breaths in, drawing the breath all the way down so that my belly expanded, sighing out each exhale. And then I began my meditation practice.  As I sat, feeling the breath in my body, I began to visualize a six pointed star in the middle of my field of inner vision. This star began to slowly draw in energy form all around me. I imagined it pulling in energy from the trees, from the wind, from the water. I stopped myself from analyzing this imagery, and just let it continue. Next I began the actual loving kindness meditation. I pulled up a picture in my minds eye of myself as a mother, trying to imagine myself in this roll, with as much detail as I possibly could. How look from my children's point of view, how I sound, how it feels to be a mom. Holding this image in my head, I repeated to myself; 

               "May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be safe, may I be well, may I be peaceful and at ease."

     I then began to focus on some of the other aspects of who I am. A wife, daughter, sister, friend, yoga teacher, photographer, woman, and at the core of it all, this soul, having a perfectly imperfect human experience. For each and every side of myself individually, I visualized in as much detail as possible how I am in that capacity, and repeated the meditation.

                "May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be safe, may I be well, may I be peaceful and at ease."

     In total, I spent about 15 minutes by the water. But that 15 minutes shaped the rest of my day. Later on, when I was busy cleaning bathrooms (I know, so much fun, try not to be consumed with jealousy), I got to thinking about what that six pointed star might have meant. Six pointed stars have many different theological and symbolic meanings, but the one that resonated most with me, was that it is the yantra ( or geometric pattern) that represents the heart chakra, Anahata. Our heart chakra is the mid point between our upper and lower energy centres. It connects our mind with our body. It governs the emotions of love, joy, compassion, both inwardly and outwardly. So, it was amazingly fitting that it is what I would have visualized at the beginning of my meditation. 

Heart-Chakra-2.jpg

Where did the "little" go...

Last night was long. So long. It wasn't until 3 am that I started to drift off. And then, I was wide awake at 6:45 am. One of the many amazing symptoms during a bout of hypomania. Hopefully, as we get my medicine figured out, this sleeplessness will pass.

One thing that I have learned in my few years of mom-ing, is that when you want a little bit of quiet in the morning - DON'T GET UP AND DO SHIT. I used to try and get a little bit done in the mornings before the kids got up. Tiptoeing around the house, trying to be as quiet as possible. It was useless. Within minutes, I would have a little Kai, creeping down the stairs, smiling at me, "Mom, it is like we are connected! As soon as you get up, I get up." So true little buddy. So now, when I want a little bit of quiet, I stay the fuck in my room. 

This morning, was one of those mornings. I woke up, did a couple rounds of sun salutations, very quietly grabbed a coffee, and plunked back into my bed. I opened up Instagram, and instead of scrolling my feed, I scrolled through my old pictures. What the actual hell. Where did all of the "little" go? I thumbed through picture upon picture of missing teeth, old favourite outfits, stuffed animals, sleeping faces, and notes.

I could have cried! How long had it been since I looked at all of these?!? How did I forget how little these faces were?!?! Somehow I have been swept away in the world of 'tween drama, and forgot about their littleness. I forgot about the naps, and the croup, the drawings on the wall, the mud, the family sleep-togethers. When did they switch from being "little kids" to being "big kids"? "Big kids" who babysit, and go out with their friends - all by themselves, who have school tests, and crushes. Fuck, now I am crying...

 

That "New Mama" Glow...

Today, I had to run into the grocery store to grab a few things on my way home. Shopping all by myself (which feels like a mini vacay), I adeptly slid from one area to the next, quickly, quietly, gently placing each item in my cart. I even had the time to read labels, to compare the ingredient list on my much needed coconut milk. I finished up in mere minutes, payed for my food, and headed towards the doors. Then I saw her. A new mama in all of her glow-y glory. She walked slowly, gazed fixed on her beautiful baby, a smile gently strewn across her lips. We briefly made eye contact, her smile remained, and then the moment was gone. I continued on my way to my van, she continued into the store. I was flooded with memories, and three distinct thoughts.

1) I remember that feeling. That "I can't take my eyes off you" feeling. That dreamlike state where I was filled with more love than I ever knew could possibly exist. ( I still feel it now, although it is most pronounced when I look at them as they sleep.)

2) I miss that feeling. But, not enough to want another baby.

3) Oh-ma-gawd, when I walk into a store with my kids now, we look like a clusterfuck of hot-messy-ness.

There is always a whole series of rules to go over before we head in. An agonizing list of what we do, and don't do in a grocery store, a reminder not to ask for every single thing they lay their eyes on.  I could easily conjure a picture of us entering the store. Me trying to wrangle two kids by holding the collars of their shirts, dragging two kids behind me who are clinging onto my ankles like their lives depended on it. Even though it is not what is happening in reality, it is exactly what it feels like to me. I always have at least one kid who can't stop telling me how much they don't want to be in the store. I always try to let them know that while I understand, I am required by law to feed them, and that I don't want to be there anymore than they do. I also always have at least one kid trying to run, to grab anything, to grab everything, to get it in the cart before I realize it. These trips are always entertaining, to say the least. I know that one day, I will miss the lunacy. So I smile, I reminisce, I allow myself just a minute of jealousy, and then I return to feeling so incredibly happy for the loud, for the love, for the crazy, for the quiet, for it all.

photo by Proper Photography | www.properphoto.ca

photo by Proper Photography | www.properphoto.ca

September is Suicide Prevention month

Some people might know that September is Suicide Prevention Month.  Some may have have even known that Sunday, September 10th  was National Suicide Prevention Day. I wanted to sit down that day and put all these thoughts to paper (metaphorically speaking, of course), but Sundays are a day spent with my family. So, instead I did it today. National Suicide Prevention Day, and Suicide Prevention Month is a time to bring awareness to both those who have died by their own hand, those who have attempted suicide, those who struggle with suicidal thoughts, and the resources available to help people in these kinds of crisis situations. The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention is rolling out distress and crisis service later this year.  Their website is loaded with information for both suicide prevention, and coping with suicide loss.

Suicide-Awareness.jpg

     There are some astounding  facts about suicide on the internet. Below are a few that I found on Wikipedia...

"As of 2011, an estimated one million people per year die by suicide or "a death every 40 seconds or about 3,000 every day." According to WHO there are twenty people who have a failed suicide attempt for every one that is successful, at a rate approximately one every three seconds. Suicide is the "most common cause of death for people aged 15 – 24. More people die from suicide than from murder and war; it is the 13th leading cause of death worldwide. According to WHO, suicide accounts for nearly half of all violent deaths in the world. Brian Mishara, IASP president, noted that, "more people kill themselves than die in all wars, terrorist acts and interpersonal violence combined." The number of people who die by suicide is expected to reach 1.5 million per year by 2020. "

     The facts about suicide that we can gather from an information point of view, the statistics, are not debatable. Some of peoples interpretations about suicide can be. I can't tell you what suicide is to each person who struggles. I can tell you, as a 5 time suicide attempt surviver, what it is and isn't for me.

     For me personally, suicide wasn't ever a concept that arose in the depth of despair. I didn't ever want to end my life because I was sad, or felt like no one was there for me, or even because I had lost the ability to see my future. It was always out of exhaustion. For me personally, my depression is manageable. In actuality, when feeling depressed, I couldn't possibly muster the energy or drive for such a feat. At the opposite end of the spectrum, when my mind is overwhelmingly busy, when my anxiety is uncontrollable, when my body is so restless that I feel like I want to tear off my own skin, when the intensity of my emotions are heightened, when I am bombarded non stop by ideas; that is where I struggle. At the times in my life that I had attempted to commit suicide, I didn't fit into the stereotypical warning list. My attempts had always come as a complete surprise to family and friends. From WebMD, I found a pretty typical list of warning signs, which are very helpful, but not always accurate for everyone.

  • Always talking or thinking about death
  • Clinical depression -- deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating -- that gets worse
  • Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, such as driving fast or running red lights
  • Losing interest in things one used to care about
  • Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless
  • Putting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will
  • Saying things like "it would be better if I wasn't here" or "I want out"
  • Sudden, unexpected switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy
  • Talking about suicide or killing one's self
  • Visiting or calling people to say goodbye

  In my experience, I can say honestly that at no time did I want to die. I did however want what was happening in my head to stop. I never gave away my belongings in preparation. I never contacted friends or family to say goodbye. I didn't talk about or think about death. I didn't feel worthless. I didn't think that the world would be better without me. I had never lost sight of my future. In truth, I could always just see too much in my future. During each period of life for my suicide attempts, everything was too much. Too much socializing. Too much drinking (not in frequency, but in volume), too much shopping, too much thinking, too many ideas, to much energy, too much emotion, too much need for change, too many compulsions, too much anxiety.  

      Although it has been said that "suicide is a cowards was out", I can assure you that the amount of "courage" that I had to summon was immense, to be able to continue when I was utterly terrified. Not just of the act, but of the consequences. If I was successful, what would happen to my soul. If I was successful, what would happen to my family, my friends. If I was successful, how would I be damaging the life of the person who found me. If I was unsuccessful, what would happen to the way people thought of me. If I was unsuccessful, what would happen to my relationships. If I was unsuccessful, how would I ever finally be able to cope with living in my own head. Classic Shannon, overthinking at every opportunity.

     The last thing that I can tell you from my own perspective, is that even though it has been ingrained into me that these kinds of actions are embarrassing, I am always open to talking about them. I am actively trying to grow beyond my shame. If you have someone in your life who you think is contemplating suicide, or know someone who has tried to commit suicide, don't be afraid to talk to them about it.  Previously linked in this post is the Canadian Association for Suicide prevention. Included in the incredible information on their site, is a page to help those that are concerned for someone.

     

Round, and round, and round we go...

     Lately I have had lots of time to think. More time than I ever thought possible. I just left the hospital three days ago, after spending 11 days admitted. In all honesty, the first few days, explaining my absence from life was the last thing on my mind. As things started to come back into focus, as I talked with my family and close friends, and as I realized that there were going to be things that I loved doing that were going to have to move to the back burner for a while, I began to realize that I would have to explain my absence. So, here we go; I was admitted to 3 West, which is the Mental Health Inpatient ward.  I was admitted after coming to the emergency room for help. I will spare you the details of what led me to seek help, which is a nice way of saying that some things are private, even in this time of seemingly endless accessibility. But what I am willing to share, is that over the last little while, my mind has become increasingly busy. Being inside of my mind felt like being in a crowded room, and hearing hundreds of conversations at once. All of my emotions seemed amplified. I was not sleeping well, not remembering to eat, and felt like I had endless amounts of restless energy. The worst though, was my anxiety. Luckily for me (picture me laughing, for real, and rolling my eyes), I am pretty adept at keeping most of this to myself. 

     I have never hidden the fact that I have struggled to keep my mental health balanced, and it is the number one reason that I delved so deeply into yoga. I believe that the reason I was able to maintain a semblance of balance for so long is because of my yoga practice. I genuinely feel that for the most part, or at least for a period of time, I was keenly aware of where I was at mentally. At a point earlier this year, I lost this to some degree. I got to a place where my mind was so busy, that it became impossible for me to meditate. Even though I understand that a grounding, restorative practice would be the most beneficial for me, it ended up as a time for me to ruminate in my worries. My meditation, my practice, became another source of anxiety. I know that there are people who will say that if you just practice right, eat properly,  meditate regularly, use essential oils, and wear the right gemstones, that you can overcome/heal/live with mental illness. I am in complete agreeance that it can definitely help you to cope. I don't believe these practices cure. Even though I personally believe in their ability to help, they may even just be a placebo effect. But, in at least my case, it was not entirely enough. I am currently trying to adjust to new medications, one that helps to slow down my thoughts a little bit, and one to help with my anxiety. I am waiting on my referral to the Canadian Mental Health Association to be processed for further support. My psychiatrist would like me to begin Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and I will also be seeking the help of a counsellor.

     Upon being admitted to the hospital, I had two major concerns. One was that parents of my friends children would find out that I was being hospitalized for my mental health, and become uncomfortable with our children playing together, or allowing their children to visit our home. The other concern was embarrassment that I was teaching people to find balance using asana and meditation, and I was unable to sustain this balance myself. There is nothing I hate more than a fraud. This is why I chose to share as much as I did. Because even though these practices can help, sometimes they don't help enough. I also wanted to share, because there is such a stigma associated with mental health. If I was being admitted to the hospital because I had a physical illness, I wouldn't have had to worry about either of these points. 

     So, now that that is out of the way, I just wanted to share that I am taking a little bit of time off to adjust. The medications have me currently feeling a little slow, a little dizzy, but I have been assured that this feeling will pass. I am not going to book any additional photo sessions for the rest of the year, and I hope to ease back into teaching yoga as soon as I am physically, mentally, and emotionally able to.

Letting go of control, letting go of stress.

There is something that seems to be sort of a catch phrase in our house, "You can't control the people around you, you can only control your reaction to them." I am sure that it isn't a huge surprise that with 4 kids so close in age, there are at times, arguments like;

  1. She is sitting too close to me.
  2. He is looking out my window.
  3. She keeps singing the same song over and over.
  4. He is looking at me.
  5. She is breathing too loud.
  6. He is...insert complaint of the moment.

  I get it, kids will be kids. I try to encourage them to approach the situation more easily by telling them the phrase mentioned above.  While it may seem like it is directed towards them, in reality I am saying it to myself.

  The deeper I delve into my yoga practice, the more I work on my svadhyaya (my self study - meaning both to study by myself, and to study myself), the more able I am to come to some pretty profound truths about myself. Realizing my need for control has been a hard pill to swallow; I am not sure why.

  Growing up, it is no secret, I struggled with my mental health (let's be completely honest, I still struggle with it, although my yoga practice seems to lessen the intensity). I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive tendencies, which makes it seem funny to me that I didn't know that I liked to control things. My husband used to point out to me when I would be dealing with different situations that I was just trying to be in control. This would always infuriate me. Until one day it didn't, because I realized that he was being truthful. I did indeed have a habit of trying to control everything around me. I don't think that I was trying to control the people as a means to be in a position of power, I believe that it was my attempt to lessen my anxiety by controlling the situations that arose. 

FullSizeRender.jpg

  Insert that little family catch phrase or mantra here. "You can't control the people around you, you can only control your reaction to them." If we expand on this just a little bit ( which I do internally every time that I say it), then it could become, "We can't control what happens around us, we can only control our actions and reactions." I imagine this in a large scale scenes. Like, picturing myself trying to control the weather. The more I let this sink in, the less weight I feel like I am carrying. Surrendering to the truth in this thought is powerful.  Instead of focusing on things that are out of my control, I focus on the fact that my actions and reactions have an impact, sometimes small, sometimes large. 

  Even when it comes to my children this is true.  I focus on what my role is, what I am responsible for. I have come to know, that in reality, I can not and should not control my kids. I have no power in the choices that they make. I have no power over what they chose to believe. I do however have influence. I have (hopefully) control over the way I conduct myself, I can set clear boundaries in our house, and have consequences set in place for their choices. But in the end, the choices are theirs to make. The lessons are theirs to learn. There are parts of this journey that I will just have to sit back and watch unfold.

  

Nope, you don't get to tell me how to feel.

According to the information on this page, it has been a whopping year and a couple of months since I wrote a blog post. What the hell!! How has it been that long! I actually still remember writing it. Life is busy, and holy shit, it goes by fast. I have a pile of drafts sitting, waiting to be finished. But today, instead of finishing one of the almost-ready-to-go pieces, I wanted to write about something that was on my mind all day yesterday.

www.shannonturnerphotography.com

www.shannonturnerphotography.com

 

  Yesterday started off for me teaching a class at Inner Dawn. I came home to breakfast made by my husband, a tea ready to drink, kids waiting at the door to throw their arms around me and say hello. After breakfast I had an amazing chat with a friend that I haven't been connecting with as much lately. Sounds like a pretty great morning. Sounds like the kind of post we see on social media all the time. And, it was in fact a great morning, a great breakfast, a great talk. But the talk stirred up some old feelings in me. These feelings that I have been consciously pushing down for years. These feelings come up for me when I hear certain phrases; certain words. Words that, when they have been directed at me, have made me feel that I am not grateful enough.

  I remembering having a conversation one day a few years ago. Someone had mentioned that I had 4 kids. Someone else made the obligatory comment of "Wow, how do you manage that?  Your house must be crazy!?" And I, being awkward and honest, replied with "Sometimes it isn't crazy, sometimes it is. When it get crazy, I just remember that one day, they will be all grown up, and move out." I was immediately met with a scowl, and a phrase that I have come to loathe...

"What!!  You should enjoy every minute!!!"

  Ummmm, actually, no, I don't have to enjoy every minute. I am happy with the fact that I enjoy the experience as a whole. There is no part of me that feels the need to enjoy every, single, individual experience. In fact, I guess, if I want to turn to my yoga practice for inspiration, I shouldn't prefer or dislike any part of it (you know, the whole non attachment thing). I will always openly admit that there are parts in my day with my children that I look forward to getting past. I do also realize however, that these moments that are hard for me, are also the moments that allow me to learn, and to grow - as a mom, as a woman, as a yogi, as a human.  And i that doesn't jive for you, if you are part of the train of thought that we should "enjoy every moment" then awesome!! I am more than happy to agree to disagree. If you honestly enjoy every moment, then who am I to tell you not to. Just remember that it goes both ways. 

  I have come across a few articles lately, talking about this "mom drinking wine" culture, the memes that blow up our newsfeed, and that most of us have shared at lease once. Now, this is only my opinion, but maybe these memes are a way of some people saying how hard it is being a mom, without saying how hard it is. Sometimes, if we talk about what we are really going through, we come across as ungrateful, or resentful. I say with all sincerity, that every single day, I am indeed grateful for my family, for my husband, for my children, for my parents, and my siblings (both biological, and through marriage). And I love them all. But that doesn't mean that there are never upset feelings, or hard conversations, or even arguments. Being grateful every day, for me, doesn't mean being happy and enjoying every single moment of that day. For me, it just means that at some point, even on the hardest, shittiest days, I need to find something that I am grateful for. Maybe that gratitude is for the challenge and the growth. Maybe I can't find anything else in my day that I enjoyed. Maybe, just maybe, my gratitude is that the situation has indeed passed. Maybe if we were allowed to share our struggles without being judged so ferociously, people would open up a little bit more often, and less people would feel alone...

Sh!t I learned from Yoga - Letting Go...

     Every Wednesday morning I teach a class called "Happy Hips". I try to always switch up my classes. Some days I make adjustments and offer students essential oils to smell. Some days I do guided savasana. Some days I do a reading before savasana, while everyone settles into their rest pose. Some days I do a completely silent savasana. One thing I rarely do, is a reading at the beginning of class. I don't usually set group intentions either. I know that every day, the students come to their mat for different reasons, and I usually prefer to allow them time to set their own intention for their practice.  

     While preparing for class this past Wednesday, I came across a reading that changed my plan for this week. I found this reading and immediately thought it would be best shared at the beginning of class, and offered for all of the student to join me in a group intention, for at least the time we spent in class, to let go.

shannonturnerphotography.com   Algonquin Park 2015

shannonturnerphotography.com   Algonquin Park 2015

 

She let go
By Rev. Safire Rose

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of fear.

She let go of judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore

 

     When was the last time that you allowed yourself to just let go.  Maybe today is the day to try...

 

Shannon